somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
