I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
