Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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