I love black thongs
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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