She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize