What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
