Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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