If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize