**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
