Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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