Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
