Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
