He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
