Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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