i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
