It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
