She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize