I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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