i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
