You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
