i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
