I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
