I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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