There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
