i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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