Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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