He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
