if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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