god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
