I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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