i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
