On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
