I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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