As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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