I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize