dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Someone signed my nipple.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
