youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
