The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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