hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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