i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
