i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We are all done wearing pants today
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize