i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
