I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
