I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
