I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
