I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
BRING THE BAGELS
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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