in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
