Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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