and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
