Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dignity is for republicans.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
