If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How naked do you want me to be?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
