If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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