Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We have started to decorate penises.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
