So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
