I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
