i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't make out with my wife yet
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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