ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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