If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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