My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
