Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
