his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
