I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
