I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
