i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
