I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize