I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
