Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
